10 Reasons Why I want to be a Hermit

10 Reasons Why I want to be a Hermit

I have a ton of little pet peeves. A lot of them come out of social interaction, or more accurately, people’s inability to interact with others properly. There are people out there with no understanding of common courtesy whatsoever. It drives me crazy; crazy enough to want to pack my bags, and head for the hills.

1. Stand Right, Walk Left

 It’s a simple enough rule. Some folks see the escalator as an open concept elevator – just stand and ride to the top. Others see it for what it is: moving stairs. And stairs are meant to be climbed. Now I’ve got no beef with you less ambitious folks who would rather just let the escalator take you to the top, but for the sake of all things holy, stand on the right side so those of us who want to walk up the escalator can do so.

2. Hold the Door

If you’re passing through a swinging door, just push it open a little wider than necessary for your own frame so the person behind you can actually pass through it without having to battle with the door. I promise you, they will appreciate that much more than having an unexpected facefull of glass, wood or, heaven forbid, metal.

3. Stand on Your Own Two Feet

Nothing bugs me more than seeing able bodied young hellions sitting on a jam-packed bus or train while some feeble old lady struggles to keep her balance. Worst yet is if the wretched young one has their backpack in the seat beside them. I’m usually only inches from screaming, “Let the poor old lady sit!”

4. Line Up!

We learned this one in Kindergarten. You line up in a neat orderly fashion. No pushing. No shoving. No cutting the line. You’d think those were behaviours that would grow reflexive with age. A couple minutes in a 196 Express bus line though, and it’s not too hard to tell who spent a lot of time on timeout for cutting in front of Little Suzy in the lunch line.

5. Shovel Your Driveway

I can’t stand winter. I hate that I am still expected to function outside of my warm cozy house when it’s 20 below. It only makes my mood more sour when my neighbours don’t shovel their driveway and the sidewalk in front of it meaning I’ll have to march like a soldier to get through the snow piled there. I’m not so anal that I would call 311 on you, but don’t tempt me!

6. Silence Your Rugrats

Screaming children drive me bonkers. My eyes twitch, my fists clench and my feet tap out my irritation. If your child is throwing a fit in the middle of Wal-Mart because you won’t buy them a Barbie, forgive my callousness, but make it stop and do it quickly, please!

7. Keep Your Flu to Yourself

Some people have apparently never heard of the “sleeve sneeze”. They spray their influenza all over the place with a big old “ah-choo”! Or cough into the common oxygen pool, or perhaps worse yet, right on me. What’s more disturbing is when they choose to put it into their hands and then grab on to common surfaces like doorknobs, turnstiles and poles with their germy digits. I’m not inclined to yell out “Bless you!” in the least, but some other choice words do come to mind. 

8. Pick up the Pace

I understand life is not a marathon and not everyone walks at the same clipped pace I do. This being said, unless you’re sick, on crutches, or over the age of 50, there is absolutely no reason why you should be walking at a crawl. In the middle of a busy hallway. If you’re going to move like a snail in molasses in the middle of an Alaskan winter, then do it somewhere that isn’t in front of me. On a not entirely unrelated side note, please do not stop in the middle of a high-traffic hallway to have a conversation. You are most certainly not that important.

9. Yield to Pedestrians

To all you crazy right turners outthere, sitting all warm andsmug in you cute little Kia Sportage, when I step off the sidewalk because that little man on the walk sign says I may, I don’t expect to have to ward off your car with some tae kwon do. The law says you must yield and I agree. A battle between your car and I isn’t likely to end with a broken car. My broken bones are a lot more likely.

10. Wear Headphones

Commuting is a wretched thing. Listening to your favourite crooner or rapper can really take your mind off the bumpy ride and the snoring fat dude whose been leaning on you for the last hour or so. I’m most definitely sympathetic to musical relief. That is, if you have your headphones. When I get on public transportation, I didn't expect to have a DJ blast music through the bus or train. If you forget your headphones, suffer in silence. Do not punish me with your (usually) awful music. 

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