Merry Christmas From Your Favourite Grinch
Last Christmas, my fiancé posted a video to Snapchat wishing everyone a Merry Christmas. He was all smiles and good cheer. And then he turned the camera to me. My response earned me the nickname “Mrs. Grinch.” I let out what could only be described as a grunt and my eyes rolled back in my head.
I hate Christmas. Yeah, I said it. The whole holiday just irks my nerves. While last year, all I could muster was a non-verbal response to express my disinterest in the holiday, I figured this year, I could offer a proper explanation.
Here are 8 reasons Christmas can go, courtesy of your favourite Grinch.
1. It starts too early and lasts too long.
As soon as Halloween ends, Christmas decor goes up in every store. Tinsel, pine, and those little blinking lights are everywhere. I mean, it's 12 days of Christmas, and yet we get a whole 55 days from November 1 to the holiday itself of Christmas overload. There’s no escape.
2. The soundtrack is a pain.
Are there only seven Christmas songs? I’m convinced there are because every time I step foot anywhere a radio is playing, it’s the same songs on repeat. How many times can Santa hurry down the chimney? Will someone tell that child she can’t have a hippopotamus for Christmas? Why won’t that man let that girl go home instead of giving her a weather report? Who even eats chestnuts??? The fact that these songs are decades old and no one has answered these questions is obscene.
3. Home Alone is on…again!
What is it about Christmas that forces us to accept so much repetition? Just like the endless loop of Christmas songs, the same Christmas movies are aired every year multiple times. Home Alone I, II and III, A Christmas Carol, A Christmas Story, the Charlie Brown special, the Muppet Show special, and Will Ferrell dressed up as an overgrown over-enthusiastic elf. Thank all the gods for Netflix.
4. The mall is the nightmare before Christmas
Shopping malls are damn near intolerable on a regular day, but around Christmas time, it’s horrid. Every year, the Santa photo op thing takes up a giant chunk of floor space and children in scratchy dresses and bow ties are either noisy with excitement or screaming in terror at the sight of Santa Claus. The stores are crowded, lines are long, and the parking lot is a zoo. If you wanted to zip into the mall to pick up something completely unrelated to the holiday, just know you’re entering a war zone. You better just wait ‘til January.
5. People forget their chill pills
I’m talking customers who yell at retail workers, children who throw tantrums because their presents aren’t perfect, strangers who catch attitudes over parking spaces. What is wrong with you people?! Where is this Christmas spirit you keep trying to sell me on?!
6. Merry Consumerism!
I would like to speak to Santa’s accountant. Who’s funding this grand gift giveaway, and why aren’t they funnelling money into my bank account every December? Because the whole gift-giving thing is expensive. The last year I celebrated, three years ago, my fiancé and I looked at our bank statements and cringed. Buying presents for everyone you love all at one time is enough to put a dent in anyone’s budget.
7. It’s a fountain of stress
Ask your mom as she tries to cook a turkey, a ham, six sides, three desserts and a partridge in a pear tree. Or the person who has to sit around the table with racist/homophobic/sexist relatives and swallow their feelings with their stuffing. Or the parents who have to explain to their kids why Santa got their classmate an Xbox and not them. Christmas isn’t merry for everyone.
Seriously, why do people like this stuff?! The texture, the smell, the flavour--it’s all awful. For 11 months of the year, everyone has the good sense to keep this concoction off the shelves, but December rolls around and we all forget that it’s gross. It needs to go. It should also take fruit cake (that spotty one that can be used as a door stopper) with it.
I’m willing to let this all slide though for the simple fact that @@Christmas has 3 redeeming qualities—ham, rum cake, and sorrel.@@ Keep those coming in abundance and I’ll let you keep the rest of your insufferable holiday. All jokes aside, I do realize that Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year for some people. It’s a time to get together with family, give back to the community, or celebrate an important part of their faith. Unlike Dr. Seuss’ Grinch, my heart is big enough to see the value in the holiday for those who love it.
So Merry Christmas!
Your Favourite Grinch.