Relationship Rules I'm Glad I Broke
Indigo’s website offers 592 books on relationship advice. If
you’re looking for a book on how to get in to, get out of, stay in or fix a
relationship, there’s a book for you. Some of them are based on psychological
studies, others on personal experience, and some others on a mix of the two.
One thing they all seem to contain is a list of rules. Always do this. Never do
that. Rule after rule after rule as if every relationship were a simple formula
of person + person and all other variables are to be disregarded. Often these
rules are based in long-standing religious and moral principles and/or beliefs
about what men and women want and need and how they behave.
The single largest issue I have with relationship advice is
that people do not fit into neat little categories and therefore relationships
cannot be simplified to a list of rules and regulations to follow according to
the sex/interests/age etc. of your partner in order to achieve relationship
success. What I’ve learned, from my relationship and from observing the
relationships of others, is that successful relationships are the result of
hard work, compatibility, sheer dumb luck and following your own rules.
Obviously there are general principles that stand for all – be honest with your
partner, do not be abusive, etc. – but every relationship is unique and what
works for me might not work for you. That’s why I strongly believe that some
rules are meant to be broken, even the ones that seem perfectly logical.
I’ve broken the following two relationship rules that some
people hold steadfastly to, but it’s worked for us, and I am glad we broke
them.
1.
Friends Before Lovers
I met my boyfriend on OkCupid, a dating site with an
intolerably corny pink and blue colour scheme and abundance of ill-matches. I’d
encountered my fair share of weirdos before I met my boyfriend and I was
actually on the verge of quitting the site when he messaged me. But stars
aligned, I got his message and things just clicked. I gave him my number after
a few messages. We went on our first date less than a week after our first
encounter, and were officially exclusive after 11 days and 3 dates. After 8
months, we moved in together. We have never been friends and never had
intentions to be. I didn’t even know he existed before he sent me that first
message. But here we are, three amazing years later. Now, he is both my lover,
and one of my best friends. I can’t say whether our relationship would be
better or worse for wear if we’d chosen to ignore our feelings for one another
and been “friendly” before becoming lovers. But why should we have?
I think the suggestion that people should be friends before
lovers is based on the idea that being friends gives you the opportunity to get
to know one another before deciding whether this is a person you’d like to
commit to and I completely understand the merits of this. For a lot of people,
it’s important to feel a partner out before jumping into a relationship.
Sometimes, as you get to know a person, you realize that the fact that she’s a
vegetarian and loves cat or that he’s a relentless carnivore with a severe fur
allergy makes you incompatible. Red flags like bad tempers, criminal records, a
propensity for cheating or lifestyle choices that don’t sit well with yours
take time to show themselves.
Don’t get me wrong, going slow is not a bad thing. But it
isn’t always necessary. Sometimes, you just know that someone is right for you.
It’s not just infatuation, warm fuzzies or sexual tension that makes you want
to skip the get-to-know-you phase, but a deep sense of belonging and
connectedness. Sometimes, your gut is just as adept at sensing when something
is good for you as it is at sensing when something is bad. Like I often tell
people when they raise their eyebrows at my “how did you meet?” story, sometimes
you just know.
2.
No sex before…
Depending on the rule book you consult, the end of that
sentence can vary from “…knowing each other’s names” to “…your bones turn to
ash in your grave.” According to my Christian upbringing, the due date would be
marriage. As I’m currently typing this with a bare left ring finger, I think we
can figure I’ve broken that rule. The most popular rule currently standing on
this subject is the 90-day rule, widely attributed to Steve Harvey as he writes
about it in his book Act Like a Lady,
Think Like a Man. The rule basically states that a woman should wait 90
days before having sex with any prospective partner. In an interview, Steve
Harvey explains that he based the 90 day rule on the probationary period a
company gives you before hiring you full time and providing you with benefits.
He says, “Women should look at their benefit the same way because they have the
greatest benefit package available to man … so why would you pass out the
greatest benefit package … and he isn’t qualified for it? So you need a 90-day
probation period [to get to know them] and that’s how long I think women should
wait.”
His reasoning seems sound enough, and might work for others,
but I disagree with it for a few reasons. Firstly, if a man with ill-intentions
figures out he has to wait 90 days to have sex with a woman, he only has to do
what it takes to charm the panties off her three months down the road. I’m sure
many men can maintain good behaviour for a three-month period. And once that
probation is over, there’s nothing saying he can’t thank that woman for the
little game they played and roll out the door. Waiting 90 days guarantees
nothing. Secondly, men aren’t the only ones who desire sex. This rule is based on
the idea that sex is a benefit to the man and disregards the fact that women enjoy
having sex too. If a woman gets that aforementioned feeling of certainty and
comfort a month into dating a man, should she hold out another two months,
horny and miserable, to fulfill a 90 day rule?
Sex is a deeply personal act. Not just between the people
having it, but individually. What feels good to you, and what feels right to
you, who you share yourself with and how much emotional stock you put into that
intimacy, is determined by you, and you alone. Steve Harvey might say 90 days,
some may say marriage, and you may say after the third date. When you have sex
with someone should be when it feels right to you.
The point I’m making is that you shouldn’t feel bound to the
rules of dating and relationships if they don’t make sense for you and/or your
partner. The pace at which a relationship should advance, how soon you have
sex, how monogamous or open your relationship is, who does what domestic tasks
and how the bills are split are all factors that can vary greatly depending on
the individuals involved and the circumstances of your relationship. As I said
before, people and relationships are complex and cannot be reduced to a simple
list of dos and don’ts. Relationship advice books can be great tools, but they’re
just that – just tools, just advice. I myself seek advice from friends, books
or online, but I take it all with a grain of salt, because no one knows our
relationship like we do. I encourage you to do the same. Follow the rules that work, break the ones that don't and make your own up as you go. Don’t tie yourself
dogmatically to a relationship guide—if it doesn’t fit, don’t try to squeeze
yourself into it.